Vision Impossible

Training for a vision from 1996.

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be a star. When I was five years old, I had a vision from the Lord and it is still as clear as 4K when I think about it.

I was sitting alone in a dark living room watching a Spice Girl documentary special and in a Thats So Raven moment, I was transported to a magnificent stage in a roaring stadium looking out to a sea of lights from the audience. I was breathing heavily like I had just finished a song and the crowd went wild. I had goosebumps from the cold wind gently blowing across my arms and face. When I looked down I was wearing the most beautiful red thigh-high sequined boots I have ever seen to this day. I was jolted back to my couch in tears. I walked to my mothers room and she asked why I was crying and all I could get out was that I wanted to be a Spice Girl.

That was the day I decided to climb the stair of what seems like a never-ending attack on my self-esteem and my will. I wanted to sing—but didn’t understand keys or notes so, I would belt out the wrong notes at top volume to the annoyance of everyone in my home, so I began singing just above a whisper. I tried to write song books, but mom was not a fan of finding the lyrics to Mariah Carey’s X-Girlfriend in my top drawer and kept throwing them away. I still found joy singing in the shower, but one day I stepped out and my mom told me I couldn’t sing and that I should stop trying. I was devastated. It felt like my dream was so far away and impossible. I stopped singing for years.

I decided if I couldn’t sing, maybe I could be a dancer. It was the one thing that I was affirmed for in my Bajan and Jamaican family. My aunts and and older cousins used to bribe me with money to dance for everyone during family functions. I wanted to study at Alvin-Ailey but my mom had so much on her plate, she didn’t have the time or resources to invest in my development. I learned routines for free on YouTube and danced in a group in High School. Around this time, The Notorious B.I.G. movie came out and I remembered how much I loved Lil Kim, I started listening to Nicki Minaj and binge watching Def Poetry Jam and decided maybe I can be a rapper. I wrote some verses but didn’t believe in my abilities. I didn’t think I was a “real” rapper and was terrified of not being able to deliver if I went to the studio. I stopped rapping.

I learned filmmaking and makeup and though these mediums allowed me to be creative, it was still unhappy. I worked some years doing behind-the-scenes work for artists as a background dancer, makeup artist and interviewer but the closer I got to the music the more sad I became knowing that I gave up on the dream God showed me. So one day I prayed to the Lord and said, “I believe what you showed me and I believe you will send me the right teachers to develop me as a singer, rapper and performer.” I began taking vocal lessons and practicing freestyling and writing songs. I am still developing as a vocalist and rapper but I came such a long way and for that I am proud.

I know my mothers intentions was not to hurt me, but I believe my work was to learn that I need to lean on Jesus. That he was and is my sole encourager and if he thinks I can do something, all I have to do is believe and my works will follow. He gave me what no vocal coach, or motherly encouragement could ever give. He showed me what it can look like if I endure. I cling to that vision when I don’t want to train, or when I want to give up all together. I know what it’s like to be shown something real that seems impossible. But I must see it through. You must too.